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Oct. 16th, 2006

wow.. i dont even know how many months its been since i decided to visit this web sight...

 

life has been better, life has been worse (i suppose, dont know if i can say that and tell the truth fully) but all i know is that im not sure this is the life that i really want...

i miss my friends, i miss my family, i miss my home - i want to go back to it all.

Jun. 21st, 2006

ok, so ive been nudged so apparently im updating. life is busy as all hell (the paycheck that i get today is going to be about 88 or 89 hours). it feels like im taking every opportunity possible to sleep, but yet that's never enough. im not really complaining that much though cause im gettng a lot of money and still being able to spend a good amount of time with my friends and with theo. of course, im kinda scared of things with him going awry when i leave for college.. not cool. im sorry i haven't been updating to anyone who cares to read this. i can try to promise that i'll do it more in the future, but i'll be in class for a week starting this coming sunday in lax (la-crosse) and its like fucking 7 1/2 hours a day! that, and i have online class stuff that i have to do right now. i love you all and hope that you're having fun with your lives.

oh, and i apologize to erin cause i STILL need to get you a bday/grad present - sorry! i just never know when im gonna see you...
ha, yeah... not quite sure. a lot of random things going through my mind. im trying to figure out how im gonna do any of this ap crap, especially with the fact that im home along and its so fucking difficult for me to do study or do hoemwrok while im by myself because there's so many other things that i could be doing because im by myself and all that kinda shit - comp, tv - something fun, not blahish like studying. i really need to, i really need something to enthuse me...
nb5689: holy fucking shit
BigOldBoomStick: ?
nb5689: i ask my mom if i can do something
nb5689: she's like "no - i wanna go over some stuff with you"
nb5689: so thats fucking irritating
nb5689: then i ask if we were eating mashed potatoes with dinner and she says no
nb5689: damnit is my response as im walking away cause mashed potatoes sound good basically
nb5689: then she fucking goes off on me and is like "how abou this - how about you dont do anything and are grounded for the next 3 weeks and dont have your car at all!"
nb5689: i was kinda thinking wtf did i do
BigOldBoomStick: wow
BigOldBoomStick: wtf
nb5689: and she goes off on a rant about how i dont eat what they make for dinner that much anywayz and swearing at her because we didnt have mashed potatoes
nb5689: i was like "mom - im not swearing at you"
nb5689: and then just basically stops, "calms down" and asks if i have work friday and if im hungry before dinner and want a snack
nb5689: so now im tired, have a headache and wanna slap my mom across the face
BigOldBoomStick: godamn, does she do this shit regularly?
nb5689: to a point
nb5689: like.. if i get irritated with something or seem mean to her or somehow rude to her (at least in her eyes - because me telling me mom there was a car coming b/c it didnt look like she saw it was somehow treating her like shit one day) she gets all fucking defensive and annoyed and says that i dont care about her or hate her or treat her like shit, and then either gets huffy and stomps away like a fucking two year old or threatens me then walks/stomps away and then the next time shes in contact with me (which could be like a few minutes later) she acts like nothing happened and that shes not pissed and shes trying to kiss my ass for risk of me being mad at her


this was what i got to do just about 2 minutes after i woke up from being tired as all fuck after working for over 8 hours. yea... im not exactly very happy - the only nice thing is that i kept hearing thunder. however.. i kinda wanna go back to sleep

sleep

i think the more sleep that i get, the more tired i become...

is it supposed to work like that??
ok.. yeah, not quite sure what i'm doing now...  i agreed to watching my aunt and uncle's dogs again but this time it'll be when im outta school so that'll be a hell of a lot easier.  does anyone else think that i should be doing homework as opposed to be a loser and writing in here way too much?? 

*raises hand* ooooooooooooooooooooooooo - me!!!

fuck.. i'm tired as all hell, i think im gonna go to sleep.  brambling (yes, brambling) in here isn't helping me a whole lot anywayz so it's kinda pointless...




my soul is painted colorsas red at the blood i shed for its desires

i feel like updating again

there's not a whole lot of crap to do and i don't feel like doing any extra credit or filling out scholarship stuff for college so instead i'm gonna waste my brain on the computer. HAHA! a guy fell off the balcony - that was great! oh man.. i don't know if i ate way too much or what but i was starving one moment and then ate and now i'm like "ugh" - that kind of feeling. oh man.. hookers are so stupid and whatnot. half of them aren't even hot looking - they look like a fucking scrap bone that can't find clothes that fit them very well. it is quite amusing trying to listen to this guy explain what a "booty call" is to his kid. *putters around* i should play dmc 3 some more but i actually just feel like sleeping right now.

oh man.. things have been just plain weird lately for me. i think it might just be today and how tired i am and the fact that it's d day and i barely have any classes at all during d day and didn't follow my "normal" routine for d days. i don't know.. *thinks* it's really interesting going to the union by yourself though, and just kind of observing how things are around you. oh yeah, that reminds me, i wanna make sure that amanda got her camera fixed.

yay - a new episode of house is actually on tomorrow. rrr.. i hope that my mom says theo can come over and wach it cause i'm like "bah!" cause i got to see him saturday, but of course once me, him and emily got back to my house and started watching stuff i got all sleepy and whatnot. i'm just like gr cause i really wanna see him alone and hang out just with each other sometime soon, which hasn't been for quite awhile...

i swear there was something else that i was gonna say in here but i'm not quite sure what it was *thinks* i'm kind of excited about watching arlo and kirby starting friday, i just really wish that my mom would let me stay overnight there because it's gonna be such a pain in the ass after awhile going there in the mornings before school and especially on the weekends when i work at 7. at least i don't have to be to school 'till about 10 to 8 if i wanna get myself in order.

i don't know.. sorry if i'm boring everyone. i honestly just needed a random place to put my thoughts and whatnot into - i guess this entry would definately not be one of those "meant for entertainment" ones. *scuttles around*

i love theo! *does a lil dances* (sorry - again, i feels like it's been awhile since we've been able to be truly alone)

my nose is cold

eh.. not a whole lot going on. just sitting around not doing what i'm supposed to be doing and really wanting some food right now. what ya gonna do tho? *shrugs* life is.. interesting. the past few weeks have been a really weird blur when i think about it right now. idk.. kinda feel like a weird spec on the edge of everything.
my eye is still twitching, which i'm guessing could be a bad thing, especially if i have some kind of infection. when i cough it tastes like tar and nicotine (sp?) and im sure by now i can't scuba dive for shit. i realized that i talk a lot and go on about my job or the most stupid pointless things around me just to distract myself from the whole feeling that i get sometimes about not knowing who i am or having that feeling that i dont want to be alone or be quiet or w/e. homework seems pointless right now (but then again, life in general feels pointless at the moment). it feels stupid because sometimes i feel that in order to stay stable i need to either be happy or be around people. i don't really care about a lot of the stupid pointless shit that people make too much of a fucking big deal out of (which would be overcomplaining about really pointless things). i swear that my fucking tailbone is still bruised and the whole healing thing is kind of hard considering im sitting down most of the fucking day. i also have been freaking out lately because of this whole closterphobia thing and not quite sure how im going to be able to handle it when i go scuba diving. *sighs* no fucking idea what i'm doing or where i'm going...






i'm just not quite sure if i wanna fix it or push myself deeper into it until the pain eventually goes away or im so lost that i cant feel it anymore
you all have no idea how incredibly fat and out of shape i feel...

did i mention pathetic as part of my recipe? ok.. well that's part of it too.



oh yeah, and motivation would be a great thing to have right now. unforunately that's not there either.. :-/